Apple’s new idea for the iPhone 17 Pro is simple: paint it the same color as Cheeto dust, construction cones and that one Nissan you only ever see tragically idling in rental car lots. Apple may be calling it «cosmic orange,» but there’s absolutely nothing heavenly about it.

Yes, the iPhone Pro has officially gone gaudy orange… and I think we’re supposed to pretend this is exciting.

Read also: Pumpkin, Fanta or Cheetos: What Flavor of Orange Is the Cosmic Orange iPhone 17 Pro?

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Bold colors can work. Ferrari red? Iconic. Deep midnight blue? Elegant. I even really like the iPhone 15 that’s Barbie pink. But fluorescent traffic-sign orange? That’s a statement that’ll look like a seasonal prop left over from Halloween exactly three months from now. Or, as my editor so astutely pointed out, it looks like Tim Cook is shoving his alma mater‘s hideous color palette on the innocent smartphone-wielding population of the world. 

A new paint job doesn’t fix an old story. Underneath the tangerine shell, it’s the same iPhone Pro formula — slightly better cameras, slightly better battery, slightly more expensive. Apple knows the innovation list isn’t jaw-dropping or, well, «awe dropping,» this year, so it’s leaning on shock value. You don’t buy an orange iPhone for subtlety. You buy it because you want people to notice you (and then maybe question your taste).

Here’s my real issue. The iPhone has always been about balance. Style and substance, hardware and design, beauty and brains. With orange, Apple delivers neither. It’s loud without being stylish and gimmicky without adding substance. This isn’t bold minimalism. It’s pumpkin cosplay.

And the part that grinds my gears the most is that Apple has nailed colors before. Rose gold was iconic and the iPhone 12’s purple was fresh without being tacky. Even Product Red has aged gracefully. 

But who remembers the yellow iPhone 14? No one. Or at least they don’t remember it with any semblance of fondness. That color felt like an Apple clearance-rack experiment from Day 1.

Instead of doubling down on road-cone chic, why not give us the colors people actually want? 

I’ve been begging for an ethereal sage green iPhone for years now, and Apple finally gave us this with the regular iPhone 17 lineup, but not for the Pro. A cobalt would be a welcome change, or, heck, give us any blue that’s actually blue. Even a matte bronze would feel premium. Apple is the company that obsesses over design, yet somehow its most requested finishes never see the light of day.

Apple will spin this as a vibrant new personality for your iPhone. In reality, it’s a marketing trick dressed up as bravery. The real bravery is pulling out an orange iPhone in a meeting five years from now and convincing anyone it still looks good. (Deeply sorry to my fellow CNET staffers who love the orange shade. I hope you still like me after reading this.)

I’ll give you one thing, though. At least when you drop it face-down in the street, you’ll find it fast. It’ll be the thing glowing like a hazard sign.