Technologies

How to Talk to a Loved One Who Has Dementia: Never Say ‘No’

Holiday gatherings can mean communicating with relatives who have memory loss. An expert offers her best tips.

This story is part of Mysteries of the Brain, CNET’s deep dive into the human brain’s infinite complexities.

I’ll never forget the last real conversation I had with my wonderful late mother-in-law, Grace. She’d had Alzheimer’s disease for a number of years, and making a call on her smartphone was getting tough for her. So I was surprised to see her name pop up on my screen, calling me on a random Thursday night in the fall of 2021.

«Are you watching 60 Minutes?» she asked.

I paused. I hadn’t watched the news-magazine show in decades, but I knew it aired on Sunday nights, not Thursdays. I also knew how confused Alzheimer’s had made my mother-in-law.

Before her illness, she’d always kept up with the news and had strong opinions on politics — even campaigning for John F. Kennedy when he ran for president in the 1960s. She kept her mind active well into her 80s by doing the daily crossword puzzle in her favorite newspaper, The Los Angeles Times, and she loved to discuss new books with me.

But Alzheimer’s had robbed her of her focus, and often her words. I knew how hard that was for her, how she became frustrated to the point of tears when she couldn’t make herself understood. If she thought she was watching 60 Minutes on a night it wasn’t on, I was not about to disagree with her.

«Yes, I’m watching 60 Minutes!» I said instantly.

It was the right answer. In a happy, satisfied voice, she said, «They’re a nice couple, aren’t they?»

Couple? Who was the couple? Mike Wallace and Morley Safer? Weren’t they dead? It didn’t matter.

«Yes!» I said.

«OK, I’ll let you go now,» she said, and the call was over. Grace died about a month later, at age 85. She’d moved from her two-bedroom California condominium into a beautiful assisted-living facility just eight months earlier, barely getting a chance to enjoy its hair salon, field trips and other amenities.

Her health deteriorated quickly, and she soon needed 24-hour care. We moved her from the hospital to a board-and-care home run by a compassionate Russian doctor, and she lived there for just one week before passing away.

Every day, I’m thankful I agreed with her during that phone call. In her world, she was watching a «nice couple» on 60 Minutes on a Thursday night, and I knew enough about her dementia to try to enter the world she inhabited.

‘I’ve got your back’

Diana Waugh knows just how hard it can be to speak to someone with cognitive loss, whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy body dementia or another condition. Waugh is a veteran nurse and a certified dementia practitioner. Her business, Waugh Consulting, focuses on giving caregivers and family members the tools to communicate with loved ones suffering from dementia.

But Waugh didn’t always know how to do this. Her own mother, Iona Kiser, suffered from dementia and died in 2008 at 95.

«I did everything wrong,» Waugh says. «I was less than successful with her.»

Since then, Waugh has published a short book, I Was Thinking: Unlocking the Door to Successful Conversations with Loved Ones With Cognitive Loss. She’s spoken to countless caregivers, and produced numerous videos explaining her approach.

Waugh says she can sum up her philosophy about conversations with them in one phrase: «I’ve got your back.» She also holds strong feelings about the word «no» — saying caregivers shouldn’t use it. And she encourages caregivers to divert potentially troubling conversations to focus on old memories their loved one can easily discuss, as opposed to trying to quiz them on new information their brains just can’t access.

Her work won’t give her that time with her mom back, but she’s helped numerous other people along the way.

Sheila Qualls’ 86-year-old mother has dementia, and Qualls has been working with Waugh on how to better communicate with her mom.

«I miss my mom, but Diana taught me how to ‘access’ her,» Qualls says. «Her techniques have made a huge difference in how we respond to my mother and have changed our lives.»

Short-term-memory drawer has no bottom

Waugh explains that your loved one’s memory has two «file drawers» — short-term and long-term memory. The items in long-term memory are generally still accessible. But the file drawer that should collect short-term memories has no bottom. The memories simply can’t stay put.

«So if you ask [a person with memory loss] to go to lunch with you tomorrow, they put that in the short-term drawer [and it’s forgotten],» Waugh says. «You show up, they’re still in pajamas. A smart person says, ‘Let’s go anyway.'»

The person with dementia can’t tell you how they feel today, Waugh explains, since that involves short-term memory. But they can tell you «how it felt when they hurt their knee at age 40.»

Tap into long-term memory

That’s exactly why Waugh encourages caregivers to tap into their loved one’s long-term memory whenever possible. Her slim book has a number of workbook pages where she encourages people to write down memories they can bring up with their loved one. What did they like to taste? To listen to? To touch?

Always have three stories at the ready, Waugh tells clients, and then use them to keep the impacted loved one in the conversation. Bring up those old memories and encourage them to talk about those things.

Qualls says this tactic works.

«My mom may not remember who I am, but when I begin talking about her childhood or my childhood experiences, she can engage right away,» she says.

It can also be helpful to show photos to your loved one, but «make sure they’re old photos,» Waugh warns. A new great-great-granddaughter may be cute, but it’s unlikely a person with cognitive loss will have any idea who that baby is.

Divert and redirect

Waugh tells a story of a woman who moved her elderly father from Nashville to Houston and worried he’d want to return to his familiar barn, which was now several states away.

In such a scenario, instead of telling him no, that his beloved barn was gone, Waugh says caregivers should calmly use the barn as a jumping-off place to get the man talking.

«Say, ‘I was thinking about that one racehorse you had,» Waugh says. «And once they start [talking], let them go.»

Qualls found this method valuable as well.

«Diana also taught me how to answer questions when my mother wonders where my father is,» Qualls said. «Divert and redirect. Works like a charm. Diana taught me to enter my mom’s world instead of trying to bring her into my reality.»

Taking away the car keys

Many people first tune in to cognitive loss when they realize their loved one can no longer drive safely. But how to get them to give up the keys? You might be tempted to lie and say their car is broken.

That doesn’t work, Waugh says. If the loved one is early on in their cognitive loss, «they’ll call AAA to get that ‘broken’ car fixed.»

Instead, she suggests telling them about a scary incident you recently experienced on the roads, or claim you recently got lost while driving. These kinds of stories might hit home with someone who’s almost certainly beginning to notice problems. You might also be able to convince them a family member needs to use their car for a while, just to have an excuse for why it’s suddenly inaccessible.

Here’s what to never say

Waugh encourages caregivers to avoid one word: no.

«‘No’ doesn’t do a darn bit of good,» she says, explaining that the word only angers the loved one. If you can divert the conversation instead, the person will likely forget the diversion in five minutes and happily move on. But if you make them mad by telling them «no,» they’ll be mad for the rest of the day, she says.

Waugh understands why frustrated caregivers might be tempted to say no. Their loved one might be insisting they need to get to work when they haven’t held a job in years.

By saying «no,» the caregiver is hoping, she says, to bring the person back to reality by denying their «erroneous thinking.» But the person they love is living in their own reality, and the caregiver will need to keep saying «no» over and over again, increasing stress on the relationship.

Avoiding «no» makes sense, but Waugh also says caregivers shouldn’t say, «Do you remember?» What may seem a gentle prompt can be seen as a demanding quiz to someone losing their memory.

«It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull,» Waugh says. «The person likely does not remember whatever it is, and asking them to do so puts them under pressure they no longer know how to handle.»

What to say instead

Instead, Waugh encourages people to use a phrase from the title of her book, «I was thinking…» as a starter to encourage memories. If a loved one tells you they have to get to work, although they haven’t had a job in years, calmly say, «I was thinking…» and then launch into some detail about a job they once had.

If it suddenly occurs to them they’ve lost a loved one — even if that happened years ago, you might start off with «I was thinking…» and then relate a happy memory about that loved one’s pie-baking skills.

Successfully communicating with loved ones who have dementia can be wrenchingly hard. Waugh knows that only too well.

«We need to stop looking at [our loved ones] as we always have,» Waugh writes in her book. «When we change our expectations, we can find them as they are. We can have meaningful conversations. Our relationship, though different, will be so much more fulfilling. It will provide us with happy memories of the latter part of their lives.»

Technologies

Today’s NYT Connections Hints, Answers and Help for Dec. 14, #917

Here are some hints and the answers for the NYT Connections puzzle for Dec. 14, #917.

Looking for the most recent Connections answers? Click here for today’s Connections hints, as well as our daily answers and hints for The New York Times Mini Crossword, Wordle, Connections: Sports Edition and Strands puzzles.

Today’s NYT Connections puzzle is an odd one in that the purple category, usually the toughest, was the easiest — if you know a certain group of fictional animals. If you need help sorting them into groups, you’re in the right place. Read on for clues and today’s Connections answers.

The Times now has a Connections Bot, like the one for Wordle. Go there after you play to receive a numeric score and to have the program analyze your answers. Players who are registered with the Times Games section can now nerd out by following their progress, including the number of puzzles completed, win rate, number of times they nabbed a perfect score and their win streak.

Read more: Hints, Tips and Strategies to Help You Win at NYT Connections Every Time

Hints for today’s Connections groups

Here are four hints for the groupings in today’s Connections puzzle, ranked from the easiest yellow group to the tough (and sometimes bizarre) purple group.

Yellow group hint: Butter up.

Green group hint: Like The Little Match Girl.

Blue group hint: Letter that makes no sound.

Purple group hint: Oink!

Answers for today’s Connections groups

Yellow group: Lay it on thick.

Green group: Hans Christian Anderson figures.

Blue group: Silent «L.»

Purple group: Fictional pigs.

Read more: Wordle Cheat Sheet: Here Are the Most Popular Letters Used in English Words

What are today’s Connections answers?

The yellow words in today’s Connections

The theme is lay it on thick. The four answers are fawn, flatter, gush and praise.

The green words in today’s Connections

The theme is Hans Christian Anderson figures. The four answers are duckling, emperor, mermaid and princess.

The blue words in today’s Connections

The theme is silent «L.» The four answers are calf, chalk, colonel and would.

The purple words in today’s Connections

The theme is fictional pigs. The four answers are Babe, Napoleon, Piglet and Porky.

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Technologies

Today’s NYT Strands Hints, Answers and Help for Dec. 14 #651

Here are hints and answers for the NYT Strands puzzle for Dec. 14, No. 651.

Looking for the most recent Strands answer? Click here for our daily Strands hints, as well as our daily answers and hints for The New York Times Mini Crossword, Wordle, Connections and Connections: Sports Edition puzzles.

Today’s NYT Strands puzzle may leave you wanting to make a reservation at a fancy restaurant. Some of the answers are difficult to unscramble, so if you need hints and answers, read on.

I go into depth about the rules for Strands in this story.

If you’re looking for today’s Wordle, Connections and Mini Crossword answers, you can visit CNET’s NYT puzzle hints page.

Hint for today’s Strands puzzle

Today’s Strands theme is: Pricy pairing.

If that doesn’t help you, here’s a clue: May I see the menu?

Clue words to unlock in-game hints

Your goal is to find hidden words that fit the puzzle’s theme. If you’re stuck, find any words you can. Every time you find three words of four letters or more, Strands will reveal one of the theme words. These are the words I used to get those hints but any words of four or more letters that you find will work:

FLOP, POLL, POLLS, RARE, CARE, HARE, SURE, SPAT, SPATS, PATS, CRUST, RUST

Answers for today’s Strands puzzle

These are the answers that tie into the theme. The goal of the puzzle is to find them all, including the spangram, a theme word that reaches from one side of the puzzle to the other. When you have all of them (I originally thought there were always eight but learned that the number can vary), every letter on the board will be used. Here are the nonspangram answers:

CRAB, RIBEYE, SHRIMP, LOBSTER, SCALLOP, SIRLOIN

Today’s Strands spangram

Today’s Strands spangram is SURFANDTURF. To find it, start with the S that’s the far-left letter on the top row, and wind down.

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Technologies

Can My iPhone 17 Pro Match a 6K Cinema Camera? I Teamed Up With a Pro to Find Out

I put a video shoot together to see just how close an iPhone can get to a pro cinema setup.

The iPhone 17 Pro packs a powerful video setup with a trio of cameras, large image sensors (for a phone), ProRes raw codecs and Log color profiles for advanced editing. It makes the phone one of the most powerful and dependable video shooters among today’s smartphones.

Apple often boasts about famous directors using the iPhone to shoot films and music videos. The company even records its event videos for new products with the iPhone.

But is the iPhone really good enough at shooting video to replace a traditional cinema camera? To see how good the iPhone 17 Pro is for professional use, I gave it a proper test.

I put together a video shoot where I pitted the $1,000 iPhone against a full professional cinema camera rig, worth thousands of dollars, to see just how well Apple’s phone can hold its own. I planned a video production at my favorite coffee roaster in Edinburgh, called Santu, which is based in a stunning building that I knew would look amazing on camera.

To give both cameras the best chance, I worked with Director of Photography Cal Hallows, who has been responsible for production on major shoots around the world, working with brands including Aston Martin, the BBC, IBM and Hilton Hotels.

Here’s what happened.

Our filming equipment

We didn’t use any external lenses with the iPhone; instead, we relied on either the built-in main, ultrawide or telephoto options. I shot my footage using the BlackMagic Camera app. I had a Crucial X10 external SSD since I was recording in Apple’s ProRes raw codec, which creates large files.

I also had a variable neutral density filter to achieve a consistent shutter speed. For some shots, I used Moment’s SuperCage to help give me a better grip — and therefore smoother footage. But for other shots, I just used the phone by itself to make it easier to get into tight spaces. More on that later.

The iPhone’s competition was the $3,300 BlackMagic Pyxis 6K. It’s a professional cinema camera with a full-frame 6K resolution image sensor and raw video capabilities. I paired that with some stunning pro cine lenses, including a set of Arles Primes, the XTract Probe lens from DZO Film and a couple of choice cine primes from Sigma. It’s a formidable and pricey setup for any cinematographer.

The shoot day

We shot over the course of a single day. I’d already created a rough storyboard of the shots I wanted to get, which helped me plan my angles and lens choices. I wanted to try and replicate some angles directly with both cameras.

This shot of the store room being opened (above), for example — was a lovely scene, and I didn’t see much difference in quality between the iPhone’s video and the BlackMagic’s. This was the case with a few of the scenes we replicated. Apple’s ProRes raw codec on the iPhone provided a lot of scope for adjusting the color, allowing us to create beautiful color grades that looked every bit as striking as footage from the Blackmagic camera.

Sure, you could tell that they were different, but I couldn’t honestly say if one was better than the other.

Other shots were more difficult to replicate. I love this low-angle of the roastery owner, Washington, pulling his trolley through the scene. On the iPhone, the main lens wasn’t wide enough to capture everything we wanted but switching to the ultrawide was too much the other way and we ended up having spare gear and other people in the frame.

This made several shots a challenge to replicate as the fixed zoom ranges of the iPhone simply didn’t translate to the same fields of view offered by our lenses on the BlackMagic camera. As a result, getting the right framing for shots from the iPhone was trickier than I expected. But focal length wasn’t the only reason using «real» lenses was better.

The DZO Arles Primes are awesome cinema lenses that offer wide apertures that allowed us to shoot with gorgeous natural bokeh. We used this to our advantage on several shots where we really wanted the subject to be isolated against an out-of-focus background.

Secret weapons

That was especially the case when we used our secret weapon: the DZO Films Xtract probe lens. This bizarre-looking, long, thin lens gives both a wide-angle perspective coupled with a close focusing distance.

I loved using the probe lens for this shot, particularly where we’ve focused on exactly where Washington was using the bean grinder. I tried to replicate it on the iPhone using the close-focusing ultrawide lens and the shot looks good, but it lacks the visual sophistication that I can get from a big, professional camera. Especially because the lack of background blur makes it easier to see distracting background items stored under the counter that are otherwise «hidden» in the blur on the main camera.

But the iPhone has its own secret weapon, too. Its size. The tiny dimensions of the iPhone — even with a filter and the SSD crudely taped to it — is so small that we were able to get shots that we simply couldn’t have achieved with the big cinema camera.

In particular, this shot, where I rigged the iPhone to an arm inside the cooling machine so that it travelled around as the beans were churned. I love this shot — and a top-down view I shot of the arms turning beneath. Both angles give this incredible energy to the film and I think they are my favourite scenes of the whole production. It wasn’t easy to see the phone screen in these positions but SmallRig’s wireless iPhone monitor made it much easier to get my angles just right. Trying to rig up a large, heavy camera and lens to get the same shots was simply out of the question.

How well did the iPhone compare?

I’m really impressed with both cameras on this project, but my expert Director of Photography, Cal, had some thoughts, too.

«The thing I really found with the iPhone,» Cal explained, «was simply the creative freedom to get shots that I’d have never had time to set up. There’s only so long in a day and only so long you have access to filming locations or actors, so the fact that you can just grab your iPhone and get these shots is amazing.»

«I have used my iPhone on professional shoots before. One time in particular was when I was driving away from set and I saw this great sunset. If I’d have spent time rigging up my regular camera, I’d have missed the sunset. So I shot it on my phone and the client loved it — it ended up being the final shot of the film. At the end of the day, a good shot is a good shot and it doesn’t matter what you shot it with,» said Cal.

So was it all good for the iPhone?

«The depth of field and the overall look of the cinema lenses still come out on top — you’re just not going to get that on a phone,» explained Cal. «When it came to grading the footage, I had to use a lot of little workarounds to get the iPhones to match. The quality quickly started to fall apart in certain challenging scenes that just weren’t a problem with the BlackMagic.»

So it’s not a total win for the iPhone, but then, I never expected it to be. The iPhone was never going to replace the pro camera on this shoot, but it instead allowed us to augment our video with shots that we would otherwise never have gotten.

I love the creative angles we found using just the phone, and while Cal struggled to balance its colors as easily, the footage does fit in nicely with the rest of the video and makes it more dynamic and engaging as a result.

And that’s not to say the shots we didn’t use from it weren’t good. I’m actually impressed with how the iPhone handled most of the things we threw at it.

So don’t assume that if you want to get into filmmaking, you need to drop tens of thousands on a pro cinema camera and a set of cine primes. Your iPhone has everything you need to get started, and it’ll let you flex your creativity much more easily.

Our days of shooting, editing and grading have proven that the iPhone isn’t yet ready to be the only camera you need on a professional set. But mix its small size in with your other cameras, and then you’ve got yourself a truly powerful production setup.