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How to Talk to a Loved One Who Has Dementia: Never Say ‘No’

Holiday gatherings can mean communicating with relatives who have memory loss. An expert offers her best tips.

This story is part of Mysteries of the Brain, CNET’s deep dive into the human brain’s infinite complexities.

I’ll never forget the last real conversation I had with my wonderful late mother-in-law, Grace. She’d had Alzheimer’s disease for a number of years, and making a call on her smartphone was getting tough for her. So I was surprised to see her name pop up on my screen, calling me on a random Thursday night in the fall of 2021.

«Are you watching 60 Minutes?» she asked.

I paused. I hadn’t watched the news-magazine show in decades, but I knew it aired on Sunday nights, not Thursdays. I also knew how confused Alzheimer’s had made my mother-in-law.

Before her illness, she’d always kept up with the news and had strong opinions on politics — even campaigning for John F. Kennedy when he ran for president in the 1960s. She kept her mind active well into her 80s by doing the daily crossword puzzle in her favorite newspaper, The Los Angeles Times, and she loved to discuss new books with me.

But Alzheimer’s had robbed her of her focus, and often her words. I knew how hard that was for her, how she became frustrated to the point of tears when she couldn’t make herself understood. If she thought she was watching 60 Minutes on a night it wasn’t on, I was not about to disagree with her.

«Yes, I’m watching 60 Minutes!» I said instantly.

It was the right answer. In a happy, satisfied voice, she said, «They’re a nice couple, aren’t they?»

Couple? Who was the couple? Mike Wallace and Morley Safer? Weren’t they dead? It didn’t matter.

«Yes!» I said.

«OK, I’ll let you go now,» she said, and the call was over. Grace died about a month later, at age 85. She’d moved from her two-bedroom California condominium into a beautiful assisted-living facility just eight months earlier, barely getting a chance to enjoy its hair salon, field trips and other amenities.

Her health deteriorated quickly, and she soon needed 24-hour care. We moved her from the hospital to a board-and-care home run by a compassionate Russian doctor, and she lived there for just one week before passing away.

Every day, I’m thankful I agreed with her during that phone call. In her world, she was watching a «nice couple» on 60 Minutes on a Thursday night, and I knew enough about her dementia to try to enter the world she inhabited.

‘I’ve got your back’

Diana Waugh knows just how hard it can be to speak to someone with cognitive loss, whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy body dementia or another condition. Waugh is a veteran nurse and a certified dementia practitioner. Her business, Waugh Consulting, focuses on giving caregivers and family members the tools to communicate with loved ones suffering from dementia.

But Waugh didn’t always know how to do this. Her own mother, Iona Kiser, suffered from dementia and died in 2008 at 95.

«I did everything wrong,» Waugh says. «I was less than successful with her.»

Since then, Waugh has published a short book, I Was Thinking: Unlocking the Door to Successful Conversations with Loved Ones With Cognitive Loss. She’s spoken to countless caregivers, and produced numerous videos explaining her approach.

Waugh says she can sum up her philosophy about conversations with them in one phrase: «I’ve got your back.» She also holds strong feelings about the word «no» — saying caregivers shouldn’t use it. And she encourages caregivers to divert potentially troubling conversations to focus on old memories their loved one can easily discuss, as opposed to trying to quiz them on new information their brains just can’t access.

Her work won’t give her that time with her mom back, but she’s helped numerous other people along the way.

Sheila Qualls’ 86-year-old mother has dementia, and Qualls has been working with Waugh on how to better communicate with her mom.

«I miss my mom, but Diana taught me how to ‘access’ her,» Qualls says. «Her techniques have made a huge difference in how we respond to my mother and have changed our lives.»

Short-term-memory drawer has no bottom

Waugh explains that your loved one’s memory has two «file drawers» — short-term and long-term memory. The items in long-term memory are generally still accessible. But the file drawer that should collect short-term memories has no bottom. The memories simply can’t stay put.

«So if you ask [a person with memory loss] to go to lunch with you tomorrow, they put that in the short-term drawer [and it’s forgotten],» Waugh says. «You show up, they’re still in pajamas. A smart person says, ‘Let’s go anyway.'»

The person with dementia can’t tell you how they feel today, Waugh explains, since that involves short-term memory. But they can tell you «how it felt when they hurt their knee at age 40.»

Tap into long-term memory

That’s exactly why Waugh encourages caregivers to tap into their loved one’s long-term memory whenever possible. Her slim book has a number of workbook pages where she encourages people to write down memories they can bring up with their loved one. What did they like to taste? To listen to? To touch?

Always have three stories at the ready, Waugh tells clients, and then use them to keep the impacted loved one in the conversation. Bring up those old memories and encourage them to talk about those things.

Qualls says this tactic works.

«My mom may not remember who I am, but when I begin talking about her childhood or my childhood experiences, she can engage right away,» she says.

It can also be helpful to show photos to your loved one, but «make sure they’re old photos,» Waugh warns. A new great-great-granddaughter may be cute, but it’s unlikely a person with cognitive loss will have any idea who that baby is.

Divert and redirect

Waugh tells a story of a woman who moved her elderly father from Nashville to Houston and worried he’d want to return to his familiar barn, which was now several states away.

In such a scenario, instead of telling him no, that his beloved barn was gone, Waugh says caregivers should calmly use the barn as a jumping-off place to get the man talking.

«Say, ‘I was thinking about that one racehorse you had,» Waugh says. «And once they start [talking], let them go.»

Qualls found this method valuable as well.

«Diana also taught me how to answer questions when my mother wonders where my father is,» Qualls said. «Divert and redirect. Works like a charm. Diana taught me to enter my mom’s world instead of trying to bring her into my reality.»

Taking away the car keys

Many people first tune in to cognitive loss when they realize their loved one can no longer drive safely. But how to get them to give up the keys? You might be tempted to lie and say their car is broken.

That doesn’t work, Waugh says. If the loved one is early on in their cognitive loss, «they’ll call AAA to get that ‘broken’ car fixed.»

Instead, she suggests telling them about a scary incident you recently experienced on the roads, or claim you recently got lost while driving. These kinds of stories might hit home with someone who’s almost certainly beginning to notice problems. You might also be able to convince them a family member needs to use their car for a while, just to have an excuse for why it’s suddenly inaccessible.

Here’s what to never say

Waugh encourages caregivers to avoid one word: no.

«‘No’ doesn’t do a darn bit of good,» she says, explaining that the word only angers the loved one. If you can divert the conversation instead, the person will likely forget the diversion in five minutes and happily move on. But if you make them mad by telling them «no,» they’ll be mad for the rest of the day, she says.

Waugh understands why frustrated caregivers might be tempted to say no. Their loved one might be insisting they need to get to work when they haven’t held a job in years.

By saying «no,» the caregiver is hoping, she says, to bring the person back to reality by denying their «erroneous thinking.» But the person they love is living in their own reality, and the caregiver will need to keep saying «no» over and over again, increasing stress on the relationship.

Avoiding «no» makes sense, but Waugh also says caregivers shouldn’t say, «Do you remember?» What may seem a gentle prompt can be seen as a demanding quiz to someone losing their memory.

«It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull,» Waugh says. «The person likely does not remember whatever it is, and asking them to do so puts them under pressure they no longer know how to handle.»

What to say instead

Instead, Waugh encourages people to use a phrase from the title of her book, «I was thinking…» as a starter to encourage memories. If a loved one tells you they have to get to work, although they haven’t had a job in years, calmly say, «I was thinking…» and then launch into some detail about a job they once had.

If it suddenly occurs to them they’ve lost a loved one — even if that happened years ago, you might start off with «I was thinking…» and then relate a happy memory about that loved one’s pie-baking skills.

Successfully communicating with loved ones who have dementia can be wrenchingly hard. Waugh knows that only too well.

«We need to stop looking at [our loved ones] as we always have,» Waugh writes in her book. «When we change our expectations, we can find them as they are. We can have meaningful conversations. Our relationship, though different, will be so much more fulfilling. It will provide us with happy memories of the latter part of their lives.»

Technologies

Act Fast to Save 15% on This Powerful CarbonMag Portable Charger

This Sharge charger can keep you powered on the go, and right now you don’t have to pay full price.

There’s nothing worse than your phone dying in the middle of the day, especially when finding an outlet means being stuck in an uncomfortable situation. MagSafe portable wireless chargers are a great fix for that, as they snap onto the back of your phone and charge it while you go about your day. One solid pick that won’t weigh your phone down like a brick is the CarbonMag MagSafe portable charger by Sharge. And right now it can be yours for less with this Prime Day deal.

Thanks to Prime Day, you can currently snag it for 15% off with the code QHUAPIWG at checkout — bringing the price down from $70 to just $59. That’s the same cost as the smaller 5,000mAh model, but this one gives you double the battery capacity for the same price.

This device is made out of carbon fiber, which makes it 40% lighter than your usual power banks and 80% more durable than chargers made with the materials normally used. It gets you a 10,000mAh battery capacity, enough to charge your devices multiple times throughout the day. You’ll enjoy up to 15W wireless charging, which can power an iPhone 15 from 0% to 55% in just 44 minutes.

Hey, did you know? CNET Deals texts are free, easy and save you money.

The charger also features ultrastrong (but safe) magnets that maintain a stable hold on your smartphone. You can use the built-in USB-C port for pass-through charging or to power another device at the same time. The only catch? We don’t know when the discount code expires, so you might want to hurry.

Impulse Buys Under $25 That Make Surprisingly Great Gifts

See all photos

Why this deal matters

MagSafe wireless chargers can be a game-changer for anyone tired of juggling wires throughout the day. This deal gets you a slim, lightweight, yet powerful option at a $11 discount for a limited time. We recommend acting while you can.

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Technologies

Save Up to $35 Off a Baseus Charging Station This July 4th and Stay Powered Up All Weekend

When USB ports aren’t enough, a Baseus charging station is what you need. Power all your gadgets with multiple well-spaced AC outlets and no clutter.

Keeping all your gear charged can be a job unto itself, and it gets more complicated when you have visitors. Whether you’re having guests this Fourth of July weekend or you just need a better charging solution for your family, a charging station could be the answer. But even the best charging stations can only share so many watts between devices, which is why the best charging stations from brands like Anker and Baseus not only feature multiple USB ports but also multiple AC outlets. AC outlets accommodate those few devices that still use proprietary chargers, and it lets you expand beyond the included 2-4 USB ports without sacrificing wattage when you need to top off everyone quickly before heading out.

The Fourth of July deals are bouncing into next week’s Amazon Prime Day to give us some of the best savings of the year a week early. Among the dozens of mobile accessories Baseus has on sale this holiday weekend is a trio of towers that can declutter your desk and keep everything you need ready and recharged. Available in 6-in-1, 7-in-1 for $65, and 10-in-1 varieties, these charging stations all offer two USB-C ports, at least one USB-A port and multiple AC outlets. Just note: You’ll need to clip the on-page coupon to get the lowest possible price.

For the best blend of power and ports, Baseus’ 100W 7-in-1 USB-C charging station can fast charge a laptop at 65W — full speed for all Chromebooks and many Windows laptops — while a phone and tablet each standard charge at 15W and still leave 5W for your smartwatch while your non-USB tech or your desk’s smart speaker can use the AC ports on both sides and the back of the tower. These towers are part power delivery chargers and part surge protectors with surge and lightning protection to keep your digital lifelines from frying should calamity strike.

The Baseus $35 10-in-1 desktop charging station model may sound like it’s the most powerful, but it only offers 35 watts to share between the two USB-C and USB-A ports, leaving the lion’s share of the station’s potential power to the six AC ports. This isn’t to say 35W between four ports is useless, but you’ll want to use those ports for lower-powered devices like recharging your smartwatch or wireless earbuds.

If you’re looking to charge multiple phones and tablets with those ports, you’re probably better off going with the 6-in-1 USB-C Charging Station at $50, which may only have three AC ports but features a retractable USB-C cable in addition to one standard USB-A and one USB-C port. Those three ports share 65W, meaning that you can charge both a phone and tablet at full speed rather than both getting middling speeds.

Why this deal matters

I use a 100W charging station like this at my desk and have another next to my couch for both me and my guests to keep our phones powered and ready. Being able to stick my 65W travel charger into one of the AC ports and fast charge four phones instead of two — well, one phone and my Chromebook — when I have people over and then swap it back to powering my oil diffuser or smart speaker once they’re gone is a godsend, and since the wall outlets are spread out across multiple sides of the tower instead of sandwiched next to each other in a line, I never have to worry about bulky plugs blocking out half my ports.

Because these charging stations double as surge protectors, you can also click their switch to power off and disconnect everything when severe weather comes, unlike standard charging stations you would have to unplug. Living in lightning capital of the U.S. makes this feature more important to me than most, but it can also be handy for parents wanting a one-click shut-off for all the kids’ consoles and computers.

We’re still days away from Prime Day, and deals like these will continue to drop through the next week, but these chargers are all within a few dollars of their lowest prices ever. We’ll watch for further price drops and competing deals throughout the holiday week, including Anker’s plethora of deals on chargers, speakers and smart home appliances.

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Technologies

Today’s NYT Connections: Sports Edition Hints and Answers for July 4, #284

Here are hints and the answers for the NYT Connections: Sports Edition puzzle for July 4, No. 284.

Looking for the most recent regular Connections answers? Click here for today’s Connections hints, as well as our daily answers and hints for The New York Times Mini Crossword, Wordle and Strands puzzles.


Today’s Connections: Sports Edition has kind of a July 4 flavor. But come on, New York Times puzzle makers, is the blue category really a sport? Read on for hints and the answers. And pass the mustard.

Connections: Sports Edition is out of beta now, making its debut on Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 9. That’s a sign that the game has earned enough loyal players that The Athletic, the subscription-based sports journalism site owned by the Times, will continue to publish it. It doesn’t show up in the NYT Games app but now appears in The Athletic’s own app. Or you can continue to play it free online.  

Read more: NYT Connections: Sports Edition Puzzle Comes Out of Beta

Hints for today’s Connections: Sports Edition groups

Here are four hints for the groupings in today’s Connections: Sports Edition puzzle, ranked from the easiest yellow group to the tough (and sometimes bizarre) purple group.

Yellow group hint: What you won.

Green group hint: Lone Star State sports.

Blue group hint: Chow down.

Purple group hint: Not cold.

Answers for today’s Connections: Sports Edition groups

Yellow group: A monetary reward.

Green group: A Texas basketball player.

Blue group: Nathan’s hot dog contest eating winners.

Purple group: Hot ____.

Read more: Wordle Cheat Sheet: Here Are the Most Popular Letters Used in English Words

What are today’s Connections: Sports Edition answers?

The yellow words in today’s Connections

The theme is a monetary reward. The four answers are prize, purse, stakes and winnings.

The green words in today’s Connections

The theme is a Texas basketball player. The four answers are Maverick, Rocket, Spur and Wing.

The blue words in today’s Connections

The theme is Nathan’s hot dog contest eating winners. The four answers are Bertoletti, Chestnut, Kobayashi and Sudo.

The purple words in today’s Connections

The theme is hot ____. The four answers are corner, dog, hand and stove.

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