Technologies

How to Talk to a Loved One Who Has Dementia: Never Say ‘No’

Holiday gatherings can mean communicating with relatives who have memory loss. An expert offers her best tips.

This story is part of Mysteries of the Brain, CNET’s deep dive into the human brain’s infinite complexities.

I’ll never forget the last real conversation I had with my wonderful late mother-in-law, Grace. She’d had Alzheimer’s disease for a number of years, and making a call on her smartphone was getting tough for her. So I was surprised to see her name pop up on my screen, calling me on a random Thursday night in the fall of 2021.

«Are you watching 60 Minutes?» she asked.

I paused. I hadn’t watched the news-magazine show in decades, but I knew it aired on Sunday nights, not Thursdays. I also knew how confused Alzheimer’s had made my mother-in-law.

Before her illness, she’d always kept up with the news and had strong opinions on politics — even campaigning for John F. Kennedy when he ran for president in the 1960s. She kept her mind active well into her 80s by doing the daily crossword puzzle in her favorite newspaper, The Los Angeles Times, and she loved to discuss new books with me.

But Alzheimer’s had robbed her of her focus, and often her words. I knew how hard that was for her, how she became frustrated to the point of tears when she couldn’t make herself understood. If she thought she was watching 60 Minutes on a night it wasn’t on, I was not about to disagree with her.

«Yes, I’m watching 60 Minutes!» I said instantly.

It was the right answer. In a happy, satisfied voice, she said, «They’re a nice couple, aren’t they?»

Couple? Who was the couple? Mike Wallace and Morley Safer? Weren’t they dead? It didn’t matter.

«Yes!» I said.

«OK, I’ll let you go now,» she said, and the call was over. Grace died about a month later, at age 85. She’d moved from her two-bedroom California condominium into a beautiful assisted-living facility just eight months earlier, barely getting a chance to enjoy its hair salon, field trips and other amenities.

Her health deteriorated quickly, and she soon needed 24-hour care. We moved her from the hospital to a board-and-care home run by a compassionate Russian doctor, and she lived there for just one week before passing away.

Every day, I’m thankful I agreed with her during that phone call. In her world, she was watching a «nice couple» on 60 Minutes on a Thursday night, and I knew enough about her dementia to try to enter the world she inhabited.

‘I’ve got your back’

Diana Waugh knows just how hard it can be to speak to someone with cognitive loss, whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy body dementia or another condition. Waugh is a veteran nurse and a certified dementia practitioner. Her business, Waugh Consulting, focuses on giving caregivers and family members the tools to communicate with loved ones suffering from dementia.

But Waugh didn’t always know how to do this. Her own mother, Iona Kiser, suffered from dementia and died in 2008 at 95.

«I did everything wrong,» Waugh says. «I was less than successful with her.»

Since then, Waugh has published a short book, I Was Thinking: Unlocking the Door to Successful Conversations with Loved Ones With Cognitive Loss. She’s spoken to countless caregivers, and produced numerous videos explaining her approach.

Waugh says she can sum up her philosophy about conversations with them in one phrase: «I’ve got your back.» She also holds strong feelings about the word «no» — saying caregivers shouldn’t use it. And she encourages caregivers to divert potentially troubling conversations to focus on old memories their loved one can easily discuss, as opposed to trying to quiz them on new information their brains just can’t access.

Her work won’t give her that time with her mom back, but she’s helped numerous other people along the way.

Sheila Qualls’ 86-year-old mother has dementia, and Qualls has been working with Waugh on how to better communicate with her mom.

«I miss my mom, but Diana taught me how to ‘access’ her,» Qualls says. «Her techniques have made a huge difference in how we respond to my mother and have changed our lives.»

Short-term-memory drawer has no bottom

Waugh explains that your loved one’s memory has two «file drawers» — short-term and long-term memory. The items in long-term memory are generally still accessible. But the file drawer that should collect short-term memories has no bottom. The memories simply can’t stay put.

«So if you ask [a person with memory loss] to go to lunch with you tomorrow, they put that in the short-term drawer [and it’s forgotten],» Waugh says. «You show up, they’re still in pajamas. A smart person says, ‘Let’s go anyway.'»

The person with dementia can’t tell you how they feel today, Waugh explains, since that involves short-term memory. But they can tell you «how it felt when they hurt their knee at age 40.»

Tap into long-term memory

That’s exactly why Waugh encourages caregivers to tap into their loved one’s long-term memory whenever possible. Her slim book has a number of workbook pages where she encourages people to write down memories they can bring up with their loved one. What did they like to taste? To listen to? To touch?

Always have three stories at the ready, Waugh tells clients, and then use them to keep the impacted loved one in the conversation. Bring up those old memories and encourage them to talk about those things.

Qualls says this tactic works.

«My mom may not remember who I am, but when I begin talking about her childhood or my childhood experiences, she can engage right away,» she says.

It can also be helpful to show photos to your loved one, but «make sure they’re old photos,» Waugh warns. A new great-great-granddaughter may be cute, but it’s unlikely a person with cognitive loss will have any idea who that baby is.

Divert and redirect

Waugh tells a story of a woman who moved her elderly father from Nashville to Houston and worried he’d want to return to his familiar barn, which was now several states away.

In such a scenario, instead of telling him no, that his beloved barn was gone, Waugh says caregivers should calmly use the barn as a jumping-off place to get the man talking.

«Say, ‘I was thinking about that one racehorse you had,» Waugh says. «And once they start [talking], let them go.»

Qualls found this method valuable as well.

«Diana also taught me how to answer questions when my mother wonders where my father is,» Qualls said. «Divert and redirect. Works like a charm. Diana taught me to enter my mom’s world instead of trying to bring her into my reality.»

Taking away the car keys

Many people first tune in to cognitive loss when they realize their loved one can no longer drive safely. But how to get them to give up the keys? You might be tempted to lie and say their car is broken.

That doesn’t work, Waugh says. If the loved one is early on in their cognitive loss, «they’ll call AAA to get that ‘broken’ car fixed.»

Instead, she suggests telling them about a scary incident you recently experienced on the roads, or claim you recently got lost while driving. These kinds of stories might hit home with someone who’s almost certainly beginning to notice problems. You might also be able to convince them a family member needs to use their car for a while, just to have an excuse for why it’s suddenly inaccessible.

Here’s what to never say

Waugh encourages caregivers to avoid one word: no.

«‘No’ doesn’t do a darn bit of good,» she says, explaining that the word only angers the loved one. If you can divert the conversation instead, the person will likely forget the diversion in five minutes and happily move on. But if you make them mad by telling them «no,» they’ll be mad for the rest of the day, she says.

Waugh understands why frustrated caregivers might be tempted to say no. Their loved one might be insisting they need to get to work when they haven’t held a job in years.

By saying «no,» the caregiver is hoping, she says, to bring the person back to reality by denying their «erroneous thinking.» But the person they love is living in their own reality, and the caregiver will need to keep saying «no» over and over again, increasing stress on the relationship.

Avoiding «no» makes sense, but Waugh also says caregivers shouldn’t say, «Do you remember?» What may seem a gentle prompt can be seen as a demanding quiz to someone losing their memory.

«It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull,» Waugh says. «The person likely does not remember whatever it is, and asking them to do so puts them under pressure they no longer know how to handle.»

What to say instead

Instead, Waugh encourages people to use a phrase from the title of her book, «I was thinking…» as a starter to encourage memories. If a loved one tells you they have to get to work, although they haven’t had a job in years, calmly say, «I was thinking…» and then launch into some detail about a job they once had.

If it suddenly occurs to them they’ve lost a loved one — even if that happened years ago, you might start off with «I was thinking…» and then relate a happy memory about that loved one’s pie-baking skills.

Successfully communicating with loved ones who have dementia can be wrenchingly hard. Waugh knows that only too well.

«We need to stop looking at [our loved ones] as we always have,» Waugh writes in her book. «When we change our expectations, we can find them as they are. We can have meaningful conversations. Our relationship, though different, will be so much more fulfilling. It will provide us with happy memories of the latter part of their lives.»

Technologies

Apple CarPlay Ultra vs. Google Built-In: How the Next-Gen Auto Software Rivals Compare

Apple and Google are supercharging their car software experiences. Here’s how they differ.

I’d spent an hour driving a $250,000-plus Aston Martin up the Los Angeles coast when my hunger pangs became impossible to ignore, and as I’ve done many times before, I asked Siri (through Apple CarPlay) to find me a taco place. But then I did something no other car on the planet allows: I asked Siri to blast the AC and make the air colder. That’s because the 2025 Aston Martin DBX I drove was the first vehicle to come with Apple CarPlay Ultra, the upgraded version of the company’s car software.

Apple debuted CarPlay Ultra at WWDC 2025 last month, and this year’s version of the Aston Martin DBX is the first vehicle to launch with it (pairing with an iPhone running iOS 18.5 or later). As I drove the luxury crossover around, I fiddled with other features that aren’t available in regular CarPlay, from climate control to radio to checking the pressure on the car’s tires. Ultimately, Ultra gives deeper access to more car systems, which is a good thing.

That reminded me a lot of a new feature announced at Google I/O back in May: Google Built-In, which similarly lets users control more of a car’s systems straight from the software interface (in that case, Android Auto). When I got a demonstration of Google Built-In, sitting in a new Volvo EX90 electric SUV, I saw what this new integration of Google software offered: climate controls, Gemini AI assistance and even warnings about car maintenance issues.

But the name is telling: Google Built-In requires automakers to incorporate Android deeper into their cars’ inner workings. Comparatively, Apple CarPlay Ultra support seems like it won’t require car manufacturers to do nearly as much work to prepare their vehicles, just adding a reasonably advanced multicore processor onboard that can handle an increased task load. (Aston Martin will be able to add CarPlay Ultra support to its 2023 and 2024 lineups through firmware updates because they already contain sufficiently advanced CPUs.)

Both solutions reflect Apple’s and Google’s different approaches to their next versions of car software. Apple’s is lighter weight, seemingly requiring less commitment from the automaker to integrate CarPlay Ultra into their vehicles (so long as it has adequate processing power onboard), which will run through a paired iPhone. Google Built-In does require much more integration, but it’s so self-sufficient that you can leave your Android phone at home and still get much of its functionality (aside from getting and sending messages and calls).

Driving with Apple CarPlay Ultra: Controlling climate, radio and more

As I drove around Los Angeles in the Aston Martin with Apple CarPlay Ultra, I could tell what new features I would be missing once I stepped back into my far more humble daily driver.

At long last, I could summon Siri and ask it to play a specific song (or just a band) and have it pulled up on Spotify. Since Apple’s assistant now has access to climate controls, I asked to turn up the AC, and it went full blast. I asked to find tacos and it suggested several fast food restaurants — well, it’s not perfect, but at least it’s listening.

To my relief, Aston Martin retained the physical knobs by the gearshift to control fan speed, temperature, stereo volume and the car’s myriad roadway options (like driving assistance) in case the driver likes traditional controls, but almost all of them could also be altered in the interface. Now, things like radio controls (AM/FM and satellite) and car settings are nestled in their own recognizable apps in CarPlay’s interface.

Ultimately, that’ll be one of CarPlay Ultra’s greatest advantages: If you enter an unfamiliar vehicle (like a rental), you still know exactly where everything is. No wrestling with a carmaker’s proprietary software or trying to figure out where some setting or other is located. It’s not a complete replacement — in the Aston Martin’s case, there were still a handful of settings (like for ambient light projected when the doors open) that the luxury automaker controlled, but they were weaved into CarPlay so you could pop open those windows and go back to Apple’s interface without visibly changing apps.

The dependable ubiquity of Apple’s CarPlay software will likely become even more essential as cars swap out their analog instrument clusters for screens, as Aston Martin did. There’s still a touch of the high-end automaker’s signature style as the default screen behind the wheel shows two traditional dials (one for the speedometer, one for RPMs) with Aston Martin’s livery. But that can be swapped out for other styles, from other dials with customizable colors to a full-screen Maps option.

Each of the half-dozen or so dashboard options was swapped out via square touchpads smaller than a dime on the wheel next to the other touch controls. On the dual-dial display types, I swiped vertically to rotate between a central square (with Maps directions, current music or other app information) or swiped horizontally to switch to another dashboard option. No matter which one you choose, the bottom bar contains all the warning lights drivers will recognize from analog cars — even with digital displays, you’re not safe from the check engine light (which is a good thing).

Apple CarPlay Ultra doesn’t yet do everything I want. I wish I could also ask Siri to roll down the windows (as Google Built-In can — more on that later) and lock or unlock specific doors. If Apple is connected to the car enough to be able to read the pressure in each tire, I wish it could link up with the engine readout and be able to tell me in plain language what kind of maintenance issue has sprung up. Heck, I wish it could connect to the car remotely and blast the AC before I get in (or fire up the seat warmer), as some proprietary car apps can do. And while Apple Maps and Waze will be included at launch, Google Maps support is not, but it’s coming later.

These aren’t huge deficiencies, and they do show where CarPlay Ultra could better meet driver needs in future updates, notwithstanding the potentially dicey security concerns for using CarPlay Ultra for remote climate or unlocking capabilities. But it shows where the limits are today compared to Google’s more in-depth approach.

Google Built-In: Deeper car integrations — and, of course, Gemini AI

The day after Google I/O’s keynote was quieter back in May, as attendees flitted between focused sessions and demos of upcoming software. It was the ideal time to check out Google Built-In, which was appropriately shown off in a higher-end Volvo EX90 electric SUV (though not nearly as pricey as an Aston Martin).

As mentioned above, Google Built-In has deeper integrations with vehicles than what I saw in Apple CarPlay Ultra, allowing users to change the climate through its interface or access other systems, including through voice requests. For instance, it can go beyond AC control to switch on the defroster, and even raise and lower specific windows relative to the speaker’s position: cameras within the car (in the rearview mirror, if I remember right) meant that when my demonstrator asked to «roll down this window» pointing over his left shoulder, the correct window rolled down.

Google Built-In is also connected to Gemini, Google’s AI assistant, for what the company is calling «Google Live,» a separate and more capable version of the Android Auto assistant experience in cars right now. With a Live session, I could request music or directions much like I could with Siri — but my demo went further, as the demonstrator tasked Gemini with requests better suited for generative AI, such as asking, «Give me suggestions for a family outing» and telling it to send a specific text to a contact.

The demonstrator then asked Gemini for recipe advice — «I have chicken, rice and broccoli in the fridge, what can I make?» — as an example of a query someone might ask on the drive home.

Since you’re signed into your Google account, Gemini can consult anything connected to it, like emails and messages. It’s also trained on the user manuals from each car-maker, so if a warning light comes on, the driver can ask the voice assistant what it means — no more flipping through a dense manual trying to figure out what each alert means.

There are other benefits to Google Built-In, like not needing your phone for some features. But there are also drawbacks, like the need to keep car software updated, requiring more work on Google’s end to make sure cars are protected from issues or exploits. They can’t just fix it in the most current version of Android — they’ll need to backport that fix to older versions that vehicles might still be on.

This deeper integration with Google Built-In has a lot of the benefits of Apple CarPlay Ultra (a familiar interface, easier to access features), just cranked up to a greater degree. It surely benefits fans of hands-off controls, and interweaving Gemini naturally dovetails with Google’s investments, so it’s easy to see that functionality improving. But a greater reliance on Android within the car’s systems could be concerning as the vehicle ages: Will the software stop being supported? Will it slow down or be exposed to security exploits? A lot of questions remain regarding making cars open to phone software interfaces.

Technologies

A Samsung Tri-Fold Phone Could Be in Your Future, if This Leak Is to Be Believed

UI animations might have revealed the imminent release of a so-called «Galaxy G Fold» device with three screens.

Samsung has been showing off mobile display concepts with three screens at trade events such as CES for several years, but it might finally bring one to market soon if a leaked UI animation is any indicator.

As reported by Android Authority, an animated image from a software build of One UI 8 appears to show what some are dubbing a «Galaxy G Fold» device with three display panels. The screens would be capable of displaying different information or working in unison as one large display. The new phone model could debut as early as next week at Samsung’s Unpacked event on July 9 in Brooklyn.

Huawei released a tri-folding phone in February, the Mate XT Ultimate Design.

Some websites have gone into overdrive trying to uncover details on what Samsung’s new device might include and how much it may cost, with Phone Arena reporting that according to a Korean media report, it could be priced at about $3,000.

Samsung didn’t immediately respond to request for comment.