Technologies

How to Talk to a Loved One Who Has Dementia: Never Say ‘No’

Holiday gatherings can mean communicating with relatives who have memory loss. An expert offers her best tips.

This story is part of Mysteries of the Brain, CNET’s deep dive into the human brain’s infinite complexities.

I’ll never forget the last real conversation I had with my wonderful late mother-in-law, Grace. She’d had Alzheimer’s disease for a number of years, and making a call on her smartphone was getting tough for her. So I was surprised to see her name pop up on my screen, calling me on a random Thursday night in the fall of 2021.

«Are you watching 60 Minutes?» she asked.

I paused. I hadn’t watched the news-magazine show in decades, but I knew it aired on Sunday nights, not Thursdays. I also knew how confused Alzheimer’s had made my mother-in-law.

Before her illness, she’d always kept up with the news and had strong opinions on politics — even campaigning for John F. Kennedy when he ran for president in the 1960s. She kept her mind active well into her 80s by doing the daily crossword puzzle in her favorite newspaper, The Los Angeles Times, and she loved to discuss new books with me.

But Alzheimer’s had robbed her of her focus, and often her words. I knew how hard that was for her, how she became frustrated to the point of tears when she couldn’t make herself understood. If she thought she was watching 60 Minutes on a night it wasn’t on, I was not about to disagree with her.

«Yes, I’m watching 60 Minutes!» I said instantly.

It was the right answer. In a happy, satisfied voice, she said, «They’re a nice couple, aren’t they?»

Couple? Who was the couple? Mike Wallace and Morley Safer? Weren’t they dead? It didn’t matter.

«Yes!» I said.

«OK, I’ll let you go now,» she said, and the call was over. Grace died about a month later, at age 85. She’d moved from her two-bedroom California condominium into a beautiful assisted-living facility just eight months earlier, barely getting a chance to enjoy its hair salon, field trips and other amenities.

Her health deteriorated quickly, and she soon needed 24-hour care. We moved her from the hospital to a board-and-care home run by a compassionate Russian doctor, and she lived there for just one week before passing away.

Every day, I’m thankful I agreed with her during that phone call. In her world, she was watching a «nice couple» on 60 Minutes on a Thursday night, and I knew enough about her dementia to try to enter the world she inhabited.

‘I’ve got your back’

Diana Waugh knows just how hard it can be to speak to someone with cognitive loss, whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy body dementia or another condition. Waugh is a veteran nurse and a certified dementia practitioner. Her business, Waugh Consulting, focuses on giving caregivers and family members the tools to communicate with loved ones suffering from dementia.

But Waugh didn’t always know how to do this. Her own mother, Iona Kiser, suffered from dementia and died in 2008 at 95.

«I did everything wrong,» Waugh says. «I was less than successful with her.»

Since then, Waugh has published a short book, I Was Thinking: Unlocking the Door to Successful Conversations with Loved Ones With Cognitive Loss. She’s spoken to countless caregivers, and produced numerous videos explaining her approach.

Waugh says she can sum up her philosophy about conversations with them in one phrase: «I’ve got your back.» She also holds strong feelings about the word «no» — saying caregivers shouldn’t use it. And she encourages caregivers to divert potentially troubling conversations to focus on old memories their loved one can easily discuss, as opposed to trying to quiz them on new information their brains just can’t access.

Her work won’t give her that time with her mom back, but she’s helped numerous other people along the way.

Sheila Qualls’ 86-year-old mother has dementia, and Qualls has been working with Waugh on how to better communicate with her mom.

«I miss my mom, but Diana taught me how to ‘access’ her,» Qualls says. «Her techniques have made a huge difference in how we respond to my mother and have changed our lives.»

Short-term-memory drawer has no bottom

Waugh explains that your loved one’s memory has two «file drawers» — short-term and long-term memory. The items in long-term memory are generally still accessible. But the file drawer that should collect short-term memories has no bottom. The memories simply can’t stay put.

«So if you ask [a person with memory loss] to go to lunch with you tomorrow, they put that in the short-term drawer [and it’s forgotten],» Waugh says. «You show up, they’re still in pajamas. A smart person says, ‘Let’s go anyway.'»

The person with dementia can’t tell you how they feel today, Waugh explains, since that involves short-term memory. But they can tell you «how it felt when they hurt their knee at age 40.»

Tap into long-term memory

That’s exactly why Waugh encourages caregivers to tap into their loved one’s long-term memory whenever possible. Her slim book has a number of workbook pages where she encourages people to write down memories they can bring up with their loved one. What did they like to taste? To listen to? To touch?

Always have three stories at the ready, Waugh tells clients, and then use them to keep the impacted loved one in the conversation. Bring up those old memories and encourage them to talk about those things.

Qualls says this tactic works.

«My mom may not remember who I am, but when I begin talking about her childhood or my childhood experiences, she can engage right away,» she says.

It can also be helpful to show photos to your loved one, but «make sure they’re old photos,» Waugh warns. A new great-great-granddaughter may be cute, but it’s unlikely a person with cognitive loss will have any idea who that baby is.

Divert and redirect

Waugh tells a story of a woman who moved her elderly father from Nashville to Houston and worried he’d want to return to his familiar barn, which was now several states away.

In such a scenario, instead of telling him no, that his beloved barn was gone, Waugh says caregivers should calmly use the barn as a jumping-off place to get the man talking.

«Say, ‘I was thinking about that one racehorse you had,» Waugh says. «And once they start [talking], let them go.»

Qualls found this method valuable as well.

«Diana also taught me how to answer questions when my mother wonders where my father is,» Qualls said. «Divert and redirect. Works like a charm. Diana taught me to enter my mom’s world instead of trying to bring her into my reality.»

Taking away the car keys

Many people first tune in to cognitive loss when they realize their loved one can no longer drive safely. But how to get them to give up the keys? You might be tempted to lie and say their car is broken.

That doesn’t work, Waugh says. If the loved one is early on in their cognitive loss, «they’ll call AAA to get that ‘broken’ car fixed.»

Instead, she suggests telling them about a scary incident you recently experienced on the roads, or claim you recently got lost while driving. These kinds of stories might hit home with someone who’s almost certainly beginning to notice problems. You might also be able to convince them a family member needs to use their car for a while, just to have an excuse for why it’s suddenly inaccessible.

Here’s what to never say

Waugh encourages caregivers to avoid one word: no.

«‘No’ doesn’t do a darn bit of good,» she says, explaining that the word only angers the loved one. If you can divert the conversation instead, the person will likely forget the diversion in five minutes and happily move on. But if you make them mad by telling them «no,» they’ll be mad for the rest of the day, she says.

Waugh understands why frustrated caregivers might be tempted to say no. Their loved one might be insisting they need to get to work when they haven’t held a job in years.

By saying «no,» the caregiver is hoping, she says, to bring the person back to reality by denying their «erroneous thinking.» But the person they love is living in their own reality, and the caregiver will need to keep saying «no» over and over again, increasing stress on the relationship.

Avoiding «no» makes sense, but Waugh also says caregivers shouldn’t say, «Do you remember?» What may seem a gentle prompt can be seen as a demanding quiz to someone losing their memory.

«It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull,» Waugh says. «The person likely does not remember whatever it is, and asking them to do so puts them under pressure they no longer know how to handle.»

What to say instead

Instead, Waugh encourages people to use a phrase from the title of her book, «I was thinking…» as a starter to encourage memories. If a loved one tells you they have to get to work, although they haven’t had a job in years, calmly say, «I was thinking…» and then launch into some detail about a job they once had.

If it suddenly occurs to them they’ve lost a loved one — even if that happened years ago, you might start off with «I was thinking…» and then relate a happy memory about that loved one’s pie-baking skills.

Successfully communicating with loved ones who have dementia can be wrenchingly hard. Waugh knows that only too well.

«We need to stop looking at [our loved ones] as we always have,» Waugh writes in her book. «When we change our expectations, we can find them as they are. We can have meaningful conversations. Our relationship, though different, will be so much more fulfilling. It will provide us with happy memories of the latter part of their lives.»

Technologies

Today’s NYT Connections Hints, Answers and Help for Aug. 21, #802

Here are some hints and the answers for the NYT Connections puzzle for Aug. 21, #802.

Looking for the most recent Connections answers? Click here for today’s Connections hints, as well as our daily answers and hints for The New York Times Mini Crossword, Wordle, Connections: Sports Edition and Strands puzzles.

Are the NYT Connections puzzle editors OK? There were some wacky words in today’s puzzle. Read on for clues and today’s Connections answers.

The Times now has a Connections Bot, like the one for Wordle. Go there after you play to receive a numeric score and to have the program analyze your answers. Players who are registered with the Times Games section can now nerd out by following their progress, including number of puzzles completed, win rate, number of times they nabbed a perfect score and their win streak.

Read more: Hints, Tips and Strategies to Help You Win at NYT Connections Every Time

Hints for today’s Connections groups

Here are four hints for the groupings in today’s Connections puzzle, ranked from the easiest yellow group to the tough (and sometimes bizarre) purple group.

Yellow group hint: Whoops!

Green group hint: Magical places.

Blue group hint: Old TVs had these.

Purple group hint: Scribble in the margins.

Answers for today’s Connections groups

Yellow group: Blunder

Green group: Lands of the imagination

Blue group: Things with antenna/e

Purple group: ____ doodle

Read more: Wordle Cheat Sheet: Here Are the Most Popular Letters Used in English Words

What are today’s Connections answers?

The yellow words in today’s Connections

The theme is blunder. The four answers are boo-boo, flub, gaffe and no-no.

The green words in today’s Connections

The theme is lands of the imagination. The four answers are dream, fantasy, la-la and never never.

The blue words in today’s Connections

The theme is things with antenna/e. The four answers are insect, radio tower, satellite dish and Teletubby.

The purple words in today’s Connections

The theme is ____ doodle. The four answers are cheese, Dipsy, Google and Yankee.

Technologies

Today’s NYT Strands Hints, Answers and Help for Aug. 21, #536

Here are hints and answers for the NYT Strands puzzle for Aug. 21, No. 536.

Looking for the most recent Strands answer? Click here for our daily Strands hints, as well as our daily answers and hints for The New York Times Mini Crossword, Wordle, Connections and Connections: Sports Edition puzzles.

Finally, a NYT Strands puzzle I can ace! If you know major superheroes, this will be a fun and easy one for you today. And the spangram makes a related and cool shape! If you need hints and answers, read on.

I go into depth about the rules for Strands in this story.

If you’re looking for today’s Wordle, Connections and Mini Crossword answers, you can visit CNET’s NYT puzzle hints page.

Read more: NYT Connections Turns 1: These Are the 5 Toughest Puzzles So Far

Hint for today’s Strands puzzle

Today’s Strands theme is: Marvel-ous and then some.

If that doesn’t help you, here’s a clue: So super.

Clue words to unlock in-game hints

Your goal is to find hidden words that fit the puzzle’s theme. If you’re stuck, find any words you can. Every time you find three words of four letters or more, Strands will reveal one of the theme words. These are the words I used to get those hints, but any words of four or more letters that you find will work:

ERRS, STEP, STEM, SLOW, SLOWER, STORE, LIVE, LIVER, LIVED, DIVE, DIVER, SING, DEER, LUNE, EVIL

Answers for today’s Strands puzzle

These are the answers that tie into the theme. The goal of the puzzle is to find them all, including the spangram, a theme word that reaches from one side of the puzzle to the other. When you have all of them (I originally thought there were always eight, but learned that the number can vary), every letter on the board will be used. Here are the nonspangram answers:

HULK, ROGUE, STORM, THING, DAREDEVIL, WOLVERINE

Today’s Strands spangram

Today’s Strands spangram is SUPERHEROES. To find it, look for the S that is five rows to the right and two down, and then start going backward and make an S (for superheroes)!

Technologies

Everything Jimmy Fallon Helped Reveal at the Made by Google Event

At a star-studded event hosted by late-night host Jimmy Fallon, Google announced new phones, watches, earbuds and Android features.

Even though the Pixel 10 leaks and rumors felt as if they arrived in a steady firehose before today’s Made by Google event — compelling the company to release a teaser video pre-announcing the new phone’s existence a month ago — Google still delivered details it somehow managed to keep private until it was ready to share.

And that delivery was refreshingly fun for a tech event. The Tonight Show host Jimmy Kimmel led the proceedings in a very late-night talk show format, bringing on several special guests from media, sports and yes, Google’s own experts to show off the products and features they’ve been working on for today’s announcements.

Pixel 10, Pixel 10 Pro and Pixel 10 Pro XL are real

Surprise, Google announced new phones! OK, this was the least surprising part of the event, but it still feels good to finally know what exists and when it’s coming. Preorders for the Pixel 10, Pixel 10 Pro and Pixel 10 Pro XL begin today and will be in stores and shipping starting August 28.

I’m Stoked That Google Made the Pixel 10 a $799 Value-Packed Feature Monster
I Tested Google’s Pixel 10 Pro XL in Paris, and I’m Impressed
Pixel 10 Pro and Pro XL First Look: Familiar Design, New AI Tricks

Pixel 10 Pro Fold opens the next chapter of foldables

Folding phones so far have shared an Achilles Hinge: small particulates like sand can get inside the case and really mess things up. The Pixel 10 Pro Fold is one of the first to have an IP68 rating for dust and water resistance, meaning you can take it to the beach.

Pixel 10 Pro Fold Is Tougher, Smarter and Totally Dust Resistant
Forget the Pixel 10 Pro Fold. Foldables Should Look Like the Microsoft Surface Duo

Pixel Watch 4 talks to Gemini and is your new health coach

The Pixel Watch 4 includes new fitness options like real-time guidance while exercising. And if you forgot to start a workout, the watch (with AI help) can detect the activity in the background and remind you of it later, giving you credit for the effort you made. It’s also the only smartwatch that can detect a loss of pulse and call emergency services automatically.

Well Played, Google: The Pixel Watch 4 May Give Apple Watch Loyalists a Wandering Eye
Pixel Watch 4 First Look: Google Just Raised the Bar

Pixel Buds 2a are more affordable earbuds

Joining the Pixel Buds 2 Pro in the market are Pixel Buds 2a, an affordable ($130) pair of wireless earbuds that feature active noise cancellation, a smaller and lighter for all, and a twist-to-adjust stabilizer feature for setting a comfortable fit.

Google’s New Pixel Buds 2A Look a Lot Like the Pro 2, but Cost Way Less

Pixel Buds Pro 2 owners will see new features

Coming in a software update next month, Pixel Buds Pro 2 owners will be able to answer calls or send them to voicemail with a nod or shake of the head. You’ll be able to talk to Gemini live in noisy locations, and benefit from adaptive audio that applies noise cancellation while letting important sounds come through. At the other end, a new feature will protect your hearing from very loud sounds.

Google Pixel Buds Pro 2 Review: A Worthy Upgrade With One Caveat

Magic Cue is a Gemini assistant that pulls data from your correspondence

In the rollout of all the various AI technologies in the industry, the current stretch goal is «agentic» interactions with software: Having an AI that knows all sorts of details about you and can act to get the important stuff in front of you when needed. (And do it in a privacy-first way, one would hope.)

Magic Cue is Google’s implementation. It’s a new Gemini-based feature that can look through your earlier messages, emails and photos to pull details about things like restaurant reservations and flight times. Magic Cue runs on the Pixel device itself, so sensitive data stays private and not shared to the cloud.

The Pixel 10 Pro and 10 Pro XL can zoom to 100x with AI help

Pro Res Zoom on the Pixel 10 Pro phones pushes zooming far beyond what would seem to be possible with typical small cameras. Usually when you zoom beyond the optical limits of the cameras, details get fuzzy as the software upscales the image. With Pro Res Zoom, when you go beyond 30x zoom, it uses generative AI to build a sharper version. CNET’s Andrew Lanxon got both impressive and head-scratching results while making photos in Paris using the Pixel 10 Pro XL.

I Took Hundreds of Photos With the Pixel 10 Pro XL in Paris. These Are My Favs

Camera Coach uses AI to encourage better photos

Smartphone cameras have employed AI for several years, such as identifying subjects in order to blur the background for Portrait modes or quickly snapping several shots at multiple exposures and blending them together to create well-balanced lighting throughout. Now Google is using AI to help you take better photos.

Camera Coach is a new feature in the Pixel Camera app that looks at the scene in front of the lens and generates multiple suggestions for how to improve the photo before it’s captured. To show this off, podcaster Alex Cooper brought Fallon out to be her model and sat him down on a couch. When she activated the feature, Camera Coach suggested that she move the camera closer to the subject, position his head in the upper portion of the frame, lower the camera to eye level and turn on Portrait mode.

«To all the girls that are watching, I personally know how hard it is to train your boyfriend or your husband to get that perfect shot,» said Cooper. «And now Camera Coach can just train all the boys for us.»

Pixel 10 supports Qi2 magnetic charging

The Qi2 spec includes not just faster charging but also an array of magnets on the back for connecting to accessories. Sound familiar? The presenters mentioned Apple’s MagSafe system, then paused with the realization that they probably shouldn’t have name-checked it during the Google event. On the Pixel 10 phones, it’s called Pixelsnap and should work with accessories made for Apple’s ecosystem too.

Pixel 10 will be available in Mexico

In an impressive segment demonstrating Gemini live translation during a phone call, musician Karen Polinesia, who speaks Spanish, announced that for the first time, the Pixel 10 will be available for sale in Mexico.

This article is being updated; stay tuned for more.